Drunk Texans, Anal Virginity, and Appetites for Destruction

‎'You're the best guitar player I ever seen.
I'm from Texas.
I go to lots of shows in Texas.
If you were in Texas, you'd be the best fucking guitarist in Texas.' - Drunk Texan

These are 32 words I will never forget, as long as I have a breath in my body on this cruel/beautiful Earth.

This drunken Texan, freshly arriving back in the States from a hellish tour in Iraq, made my night/weekend/week. Him and his buddies (also Drunk Texans Freshly Arriving Back In The States From A
Hellish Tour In Iraq) also paid 10% of my Rent that night.  The bar paid another 10%.


October was my first month following the quest of Tenacious D, trying to Pay the Rent with my Rock. I ended up with about 25% of the Rent, using only my Rock.  In November I made almost that much of the Rent in one night with the D.T.F.A.B.I.T.S.F.A.H.T.I.I. (see paragraph 2)

And so dawns the next lessons in my quest to Pay the Rent with my Rock.  This is what I learned...

Lesson 1: Never Underestimate Your Crowd

• On Week 1 of November, we played to a lousy 8 people, but got $40 in the tip hat. Split 2 ways, that's 4% of the Rent.  On Week 2, we played to a full house, at least 60 people, but all douchey college students.  At the end of the night, the tip hat contained a $5 bill, 8 quarters and one Lottery scratcher worth $1. That's rite, 8 fucking dollars total (7 in cash ((coins)) and 1 in theory). THATS LESS THAN 1 FUCKING PERCENT OF THE RENT!!!!!!! So lesson learned? Never Underestimate Your Crowd. Audiences truly do need to be judged in quality rather than quantity when it comes to playing for your Rent.

Lesson 2: Play More Guns n' Roses

• If you've read this far, you are an attentive person for someone on the internet.  You probably wondered rite away what song triggered the 32 word compliment from the first D.T.F.A.B.I.T.S.F.A.H.T.I.I (see paragraph 1). Well, it was 'Sweet Child O' Mine' by G n R. We actually started playing this as a joke.  Its a classic among classics, known more for its soaring electric leads than for anything else.  Being an acoustic duo, I thought it would be funny to play it note by note 'unplugged'. Maybe it is funny, but people were blown away.  That reeled in the D.T.F.A.B.I.T.S.F.A.H.T.I.I. and the rest of the crowd.  We could do no wrong from that point forth.  The equation is simple...Gun's = Rock, and Rock = Rent.

Lesson 3: Play more Gun's n' Roses, and More Ridiculously Awesome/Unique Rock on the Acoustic

• So we've established that Gun's n' Roses is what people want to hear in a pub on a Friday night.  After a long fucked up week at your shitty day job, we all have a little Appetite for Destruction in us.  But was it really just the Guns that made it happen? No. Am I really just that fucking good at guitar? Almost, but No.  The key here was that we played them something that they both knew, and have never heard before at the same time. It was unique to that night, those people, this experience.  That's Rock. More of that is necessary for the Rent.

Lesson 4:Practice and Perform as if Fighting for Your Soul and Anal Virginity

• During the climax scene (no pun intended here) of 'The Pick of Destiny," the D are poised to battle Satan himself to a Rock-Off.  If the Rockers win, then Satan will pay their Rent. If they lose, Satan will fuck, gag, corn hole and violate Kyle Gas in every possible orpheus for the next thousand years. Needless to say, Kyle played pretty fucking well. 
• This is pretty much how I play all the time.  I play guitar 3 to 4 hours a day, EVERY day, and sing as much as my vocal chords will let me.  I've played that Sweet Child O' Mine solo 50 times a week ever since I first learned it. I played it 200 times the first week for memory.   When D.T.F.A.B.I.T.S.F.A.H.T.I.I. continued to say 'Man, you make that look so fuckin' easy! Holdin' that guitar in the air, standin' like Slash!" I wanted to tell him 'that's because it IS easy asshole, it would be fucking easy for you too if you played it 50 times a fuckin' week for the last 6 months and held the guitar in the air like Slash each time!" 
• And going back to Lesson 1: Never Underestimate Your Crowd, this applies the same.  A lot of performers get discouraged when the attendance is below your expectations, but even if there are just 8 people, you have to just play as if its a sold out Staples Center, Woodstock 2012, as if Satan is going to make you his bitch if you don't Rock harder than he could.  Those 8 people are still looking to Rock, and if you Rock, they will pay your Rent.

So ends November with 50.4% of the Rent, paid by my Rock.  I need to Rock twice as much to pay the Rent.  But I also Rocked twice as much as October (25% of the Rent with my Rock). I didn't have more gigs, in November, I just learned a few things and made the gigs I had more valuable. Those Texans made our night/weekend/week.  With all possible modesty one can have after having received such a compliment, I fucking made his night/weekend/week also. That's Rock. I'd like to end this blog with the sweetest 32 words I've ever heard. Enjoy...

'You're the best guitar player I ever seen. I'm from Texas.
I go to lots of shows in Texas.
If you were in Texas, you'd be the best fucking guitarist in Texas.' - Drunk Texan

 P.S- If you have suggestions or connections to help me pay the Rent with my Rock, please, don't hesitate .  I thank you all for your support.