Drunk Texans, Anal Virginity, and Appetites for Destruction

‎'You're the best guitar player I ever seen.
I'm from Texas.
I go to lots of shows in Texas.
If you were in Texas, you'd be the best fucking guitarist in Texas.' - Drunk Texan

These are 32 words I will never forget, as long as I have a breath in my body on this cruel/beautiful Earth.

This drunken Texan, freshly arriving back in the States from a hellish tour in Iraq, made my night/weekend/week. Him and his buddies (also Drunk Texans Freshly Arriving Back In The States From A
Hellish Tour In Iraq) also paid 10% of my Rent that night.  The bar paid another 10%.


October was my first month following the quest of Tenacious D, trying to Pay the Rent with my Rock. I ended up with about 25% of the Rent, using only my Rock.  In November I made almost that much of the Rent in one night with the D.T.F.A.B.I.T.S.F.A.H.T.I.I. (see paragraph 2)

And so dawns the next lessons in my quest to Pay the Rent with my Rock.  This is what I learned...

Lesson 1: Never Underestimate Your Crowd

• On Week 1 of November, we played to a lousy 8 people, but got $40 in the tip hat. Split 2 ways, that's 4% of the Rent.  On Week 2, we played to a full house, at least 60 people, but all douchey college students.  At the end of the night, the tip hat contained a $5 bill, 8 quarters and one Lottery scratcher worth $1. That's rite, 8 fucking dollars total (7 in cash ((coins)) and 1 in theory). THATS LESS THAN 1 FUCKING PERCENT OF THE RENT!!!!!!! So lesson learned? Never Underestimate Your Crowd. Audiences truly do need to be judged in quality rather than quantity when it comes to playing for your Rent.

Lesson 2: Play More Guns n' Roses

• If you've read this far, you are an attentive person for someone on the internet.  You probably wondered rite away what song triggered the 32 word compliment from the first D.T.F.A.B.I.T.S.F.A.H.T.I.I (see paragraph 1). Well, it was 'Sweet Child O' Mine' by G n R. We actually started playing this as a joke.  Its a classic among classics, known more for its soaring electric leads than for anything else.  Being an acoustic duo, I thought it would be funny to play it note by note 'unplugged'. Maybe it is funny, but people were blown away.  That reeled in the D.T.F.A.B.I.T.S.F.A.H.T.I.I. and the rest of the crowd.  We could do no wrong from that point forth.  The equation is simple...Gun's = Rock, and Rock = Rent.

Lesson 3: Play more Gun's n' Roses, and More Ridiculously Awesome/Unique Rock on the Acoustic

• So we've established that Gun's n' Roses is what people want to hear in a pub on a Friday night.  After a long fucked up week at your shitty day job, we all have a little Appetite for Destruction in us.  But was it really just the Guns that made it happen? No. Am I really just that fucking good at guitar? Almost, but No.  The key here was that we played them something that they both knew, and have never heard before at the same time. It was unique to that night, those people, this experience.  That's Rock. More of that is necessary for the Rent.

Lesson 4:Practice and Perform as if Fighting for Your Soul and Anal Virginity

• During the climax scene (no pun intended here) of 'The Pick of Destiny," the D are poised to battle Satan himself to a Rock-Off.  If the Rockers win, then Satan will pay their Rent. If they lose, Satan will fuck, gag, corn hole and violate Kyle Gas in every possible orpheus for the next thousand years. Needless to say, Kyle played pretty fucking well. 
• This is pretty much how I play all the time.  I play guitar 3 to 4 hours a day, EVERY day, and sing as much as my vocal chords will let me.  I've played that Sweet Child O' Mine solo 50 times a week ever since I first learned it. I played it 200 times the first week for memory.   When D.T.F.A.B.I.T.S.F.A.H.T.I.I. continued to say 'Man, you make that look so fuckin' easy! Holdin' that guitar in the air, standin' like Slash!" I wanted to tell him 'that's because it IS easy asshole, it would be fucking easy for you too if you played it 50 times a fuckin' week for the last 6 months and held the guitar in the air like Slash each time!" 
• And going back to Lesson 1: Never Underestimate Your Crowd, this applies the same.  A lot of performers get discouraged when the attendance is below your expectations, but even if there are just 8 people, you have to just play as if its a sold out Staples Center, Woodstock 2012, as if Satan is going to make you his bitch if you don't Rock harder than he could.  Those 8 people are still looking to Rock, and if you Rock, they will pay your Rent.

So ends November with 50.4% of the Rent, paid by my Rock.  I need to Rock twice as much to pay the Rent.  But I also Rocked twice as much as October (25% of the Rent with my Rock). I didn't have more gigs, in November, I just learned a few things and made the gigs I had more valuable. Those Texans made our night/weekend/week.  With all possible modesty one can have after having received such a compliment, I fucking made his night/weekend/week also. That's Rock. I'd like to end this blog with the sweetest 32 words I've ever heard. Enjoy...

'You're the best guitar player I ever seen. I'm from Texas.
I go to lots of shows in Texas.
If you were in Texas, you'd be the best fucking guitarist in Texas.' - Drunk Texan

 P.S- If you have suggestions or connections to help me pay the Rent with my Rock, please, don't hesitate .  I thank you all for your support.

Volume 1: The Beginning

I love Tenacious D.  I love Rock music.  I don't dislike work, but I don't love it like I love playing guitar.  Having said this, I am setting on the same primary mission Tenacious D does in their movie. No, this mission is not to take a dip in the Strawberry River.  Nor is it to find the Pick of Destiny (though I may get the POD tattooed on my forearm.)  It is to pay the Rent, using income generated only by my Rock. 

This is no easy feat in 2010. Metallica can't sell records. The Eagles can't fill amphitheaters. Weezer is on an indie label. MTV no longer shows music videos.  The world is fucked.

So this leaves us (me) with on big question that needs to be answered: How The FUCK Am I Going To Pay My Rent With My Rock????!!!!!!! Each month I intend to let you all know the answers to this age old question as I stumble my way through them. The D paid it by battling Satan to a Rock Off.  I have no such hook up as to get Satan here for a battle.  And it's probably better for him. He would shamefully have to crawl back to Hell and spend several decades in the shower, in the fetal position,  with the eternal shame of being defiled, emasculated and hopelessly Rocked by my Gibson Custom Shop 137.

Though my connections in Hell are limited, I do have a few here that will give me an edge over Tenacious D. For starters, my buddy Jonathan has a regular gig at Branigan's Irish Pub in Fullerton, every Friday night.  He invited me to share this gig with him, which pays $50. We play acoustic covers, mostly terrible/awesome stuff that people in Irish pubs like to hear (Bon Jovi, Elvis, The Proclaimers.) So that's $25 a piece, plus the tip far. Minimal 20% of the Rent with my Rock at month's end. 

Since I got a late start in October, I shall not expect to meet the whole Rent with my Rock.  Last Friday I made $40, (or 8% of the Rent.)  I also received a royalty check for the Smoggy Lining summing $20.83. Thats another 4% of the Rent with my Rock. So I'm sitting on 12% of the Rent, with 2 Fridays left to Rock.

I know what your thinking. You are saying to yourself, 'Dude, thats great you have 12% of the Rent and you have some Rock left to go, but you aren't going to pay the Rent with out some more Rock." Yes indeed, you are correct.  Branigan's isn't going to pay the whole Rent. So how else can I make some Rent using my Rock?  What other avenues of Rocking do I have? Well theres my original band.  The problem here is that moving 4 people and $10k worth of gear gouges into the profits quickly, and what is left over must be split 4 ways instead of 2. Playing in this band, however, is what I live for, so these obstacles must be overcome somehow, much as the security systems in the Rock n Roll History Museum. The first move here is simply to find better paying gigs.

 My gig at Branigan's itself could be worth more also.  I'll need to get more people to come out regularly and pack the place.  This would mean more income in the tip jar and more leverage with the owners to raise that $50 minimum. Plus, more people to play for just Rocks more, and from now on, Rock and Rent are life partners.

I also have my original music that can generate income.  Digital sales pay out quarterly, so I'll need to decide on using that check towards the Rent due when it arrives, or spreading it out over 3 months. This is on the lower end of my priority list, since it seems that Tom Petty is unable to pay his rent with his digital download Rock.

And finally, I just need more fucking paying gigs.  Who works only once a week and expects to pay the Rent with their Work? Nobody.  Even millionaires use much of their week managing their assets.

Most Rockers have dreams of Rock stardom, with guitar shaped swimming pools and a swarm of Playboy bunnies playing Twister in the mansion. I still have these dreams.  Most life long musicians/songwritters have a lesser goal to just pay their bills with their Rock and make enough to sustain a comfortable life without working for the Man.  I still have this goal.  But the first bill you always pay is the Rent. And rest assure, come Hell or high watter, whether I have to battle Satan himself to a Rock Off, climb museum walls, swim through rivers of strawberry, eat magic mushrooms and wrangle a Sasquatch, or just play fucking "Sweet Caroline" for a bunch of drunks, that I will pay the Rent...with my Rock.

Best regards,

Billy Ulrich


P.S- If you have suggestions or connections to help me pay the Rent with my Rock, please, don't hesitate .  I thank you all for your support.