I Must Pay the Bills With My Rock

 In Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, JB and KG set out on a mission.  Dozens of unforseen obsticles got in their way. They were drugged, assaulted, and nearly dragged into Hell and ass raped by Satan himself.
I can't say that my Tenacious D inspired journey to Pay the Rent with my Rock has been quite as dramatic, but I've certaintly been drugged and have gone through some degree of Hell. Just as the "D" completed their mission and found the Pick of Destiny, I also feel that I've completed mine, fore the Rent has been Paid by my Rock. How am I to top that? The sequal to this epic adventure is now in pre-production: The Bills.  

The further I dig into this mission, the more impossible it seems. Originally, I chose the goal of paying the Rent with my Rock for 2 logical reasons: 1) Its part of the Pick of Destiny movie, and 2) my Rent was the biggest bill.  It turns out that I was wrong about the latter. My Guitar Center bill was actually the highest expense of all. Without giving out too many details, I'll just say that I spent more money at Guitar Center in 2010 than anywhere else. Guitar Center got more than my land lord. Guitar Center got fed more than my IRA. Guitar Center got more money from me than Chevron. I spent more money at Guitar Center than my Rock generated. That means that if all my other expenses magically disapeared with the bite of a mushroom and a swim down the Strawberry River, I'd still not even pay off the gear that I rock on with my Rock. In fact, I should change this blog rite now to http://www.imustpaymyguitarcenterbillwithmyrock.com/

I've always joked about having a guitar and effects pedal addiction. Now I'm asking myself if its true. Could I stop buying guitars if I wanted to? Thats totally fucking irrelevant because I DONT WANT TO STOP!!!!!!

The first step to substance abuse recovery is to admit you have a problem. This, I have done. But what happens if you have an even worse problem than booze or cocaine? I did that math too. It would be cheaper for me to be an actual real-life junkie than it is to be a Guitar Junkie.

Upon further investigation, I found that The Rent wasn't the second largest expense in my life either. Its food. Like many young Rocker Males, I eat out every meal of the day.  Since I don't wake up early enough for breakfast, I eat out twice a day. Every single day. I can't recall the last time I went to the grocery store. To try to find out, I looked through my bank statements for the last 2 years. Nothing. I haven't been grocery shopping like a regular person since before 2009.

Could things get any more complicated? In the world of Rock,  they always can. Digging even deeper into my bank statements, I found that The Rent wasnt even my third most gouging expense. Transportation gets the Bronze Medal for wallet assault.  I have two motor vehicles: a luxery car and a full size van. The van, of course, was purchased and primarily used for hauling gear to rehearsals and gigs, with the occasional perk of sleeping off a buzz until it's legally time to drive home. Insurance and car payments equaled slightly less than the Rent, but factoring gas and maintanence throughout the year summed to The Rent x 1.5. FUCK!!!!!!!!

Paying the Bills with my Rock is proving to be exponentially more difficult than mearly Paying the Rent. At my usual gig rate, I could play every night of the month and still not be able to afford the life I've been leading. There's only 2 ways around this: 1) Become a bonified Rock Star or, 2) Change my entire life style. Option Number One sounds a lot more fun. Option Number 2 though, will likely have to come first.